What If Everything You Knew About Russia’s Invasion of Ukraine Was a Lie?

It started on a Tuesday, the most unreliable day of the week as everyone is aware. Monday is always the same; nobody loves it. Wednesday, the middle of the week, gives one optimism. Tuesday? It simply hovers about, pretending everything is good. Therefore, it seemed logical that a top-secret document fell on Tuesday when it unintentionally slid into the folder of a poor, over-caffeinated intern on a big news network.

The document, titled “Classified: The Real Story of the Russia-Ukraine War,” was a mess of redacted text, strange doodles of bears, and a footnote that simply read, “Do NOT let people see this. Especially journalists.” Naturally, the intern did what any self-respecting underpaid worker would do — he forwarded it to his group chat. Within hours, the document spread across the internet faster than a cat video, and the world was left staring at an uncomfortable truth.

Everything we thought we knew about the Russia-Ukraine war was a lie.

For starters, the document suggested that Russia never actually invaded Ukraine. According to the hidden memo, Russian troops were just “extreme tourists” who got a little too excited about seeing Kyiv’s architecture. The tanks? Custom tour buses. The missiles? High-speed fireworks, part of a “cultural exchange program” that…